Discovering your vocation

Brendan McManus SJ : : It’s a bit of a cliché, but life is a journey. We are travellers on the road and need to be open to learning, reflecting on the past and being open to the future. Wanting things to be fixed and clear is not helpful, as is denying our nature as walkers, ‘dependents’ and followers. Fear can really cripple us, as can the tendency to want to be in control, depend on ourselves, and have everything worked out.

It’s the inner journey that’s most challenging: knowing ourselves and managing our conflicting feelings and desires. The best image for this is the Camino pilgrimage, that long walk in Spain, where you face your fears and get to sort out your inner life on the road. Clarity about your life and your priorities comes slowly, and not without cost and challenge.

There is a huge payoff, though, at the end of this process. Initially, you step out on the road, eager to get going, but also slightly terrified you’ll make a mistake. The only way is to walk it, experience it and live it, one step at a time. Live and learn, as they say. (I remember getting great clarity on my Jesuit vocation at the end of the noviciate ‘penniless’ pilgrimage, watching a blazing sunset from a ruined castle, having
learned how to listen to that ‘inner voice’.)

We all live with that tension, that same mixture of excitement and worry on the road of life. We want our lives to mean something, yet are often plagued by the fear of making a mess of it. St Ignatius Loyola would recognise all of this. He was the ultimate pilgrim, trying to shake off the egotism of being a wayward soldier and stepping out the door in complete trust as a penniless pilgrim. Criss-crossing
Europe on foot, he learnt from experience that God shows up within, and shows us the way step by step. This happens through the very ordinary experiences of our lives, our inner emotions, desires, gifts, weaknesses, and struggles.

Vocation, in the Ignatian sense, is not a miraculous sign in the sky. It’s more like starting to cooperate with an inner pull, like a sailor reading the direction the wind is blowing and slowly adjusting the sails. (I remember the Jesuit training as listening to that inner voice and learning to trust it.) Below are some steps and nuggets of Ignatian wisdom to guide you along the journey of discovering your personal vocation or call from God.

1. Start with Desire — Your “Inner Compass (Margaret Silf). One of the great discoveries of Ignatius is that God is in the deeper desires of your heart. This is not the superficial stuff, e.g. the desire for comfort, ease, or quick fame, but rather the long-term attraction you feel toward something that is
   genuinely life-giving. This means paying attention to what energises you and also what deadens you. Where do you really come alive in your life right now? What kinds of concrete experiences stand out for you? Often, the answers can be surprising or paradoxical, not what you assumed. (I remember the deep personal sense of unhappiness I had working in IT in England that drove me to look for
   something else and saw me emigrate to Australia and a new start.) One of the key Ignatian insights is that you have been created uniquely: you have been given something special, and your ‘mission’ and happiness are tied up with using that unique gift. Often, it is meeting a real need in the world, something you can contribute to making better. God works directly with you, guiding you and helping you, through these inner signs or movements. (I remember the joy of realising that being an introvert and a good listener were the perfect skills for being a spiritual director.) Another surprising Ignatian insight is that God normally speaks quietly yet insistently, rather than in a dramatic or extraordinary way. There is nothing harsh about it, not forcing or pushing, just an attraction and a leading. This is something that you can recognise in your heart. (I remember when I first met the Jesuits being surprised at how ‘at home’ I felt, the simple ease of slipping into a familiar armchair, nothing more dramatic than that.)
2. God Calls You Exactly As You Are, Not As Someone Else. People often think vocation means becoming a different kind of person entirely —holier, smarter, more sorted. But God always works with reality, not fantasy. Ignatius learned this the hard way: when he initially tried to be a heroic saint, imitating what he thought saints did (i.e. extreme ascetical practices), he made himself sick and miserable. He did learn from this, though, by reflecting back on his behaviour; God is not in extremes, nor does it mean imitating what others have done. When he became honest about who he truly was, treated himself with compassion, and listened to God’s will, everything changed. (A key Jesuit reflection technique that I use every day is the Review of the Day or Examen,
   where you systematically replay the day like a video and notice the ‘movements’.
   See here for more.) Your vocation doesn’t require you to change into someone else. It will ask
   you to be more fully yourself, just more congruent with who you really are. Being spiritual is this: “a long, loving look at the real (Burghardt)”.
3. Notice What Happens Inside. The aftereffects of Experience: Ignatius developed this system of ‘inner listening’ or discernment that is really concrete and practical. He asks us to reflect on our experience and notice the aftereffects, how they leave us feeling. He calls these ‘movements’ of our hearts, indications of God’s will for us, and divides them into two: Firstly, consolation: opens up possibilities, brings life, increases a sense of peace and hope. Secondly, desolation: closes down or narrows, drains life, and brings unease or fearfulness. Obviously, consolation is the movement towards God and indicates God’s will or path. With practice, we can recognise good choices as they consistently bring peace, courage, and generosity. Sometimes it can be a difficult or costly path, but the aftereffects reveal it as a form of consolation, e.g., putting yourself out for a friend in trouble. The movement away from God is desolation, and it is also recognisable in that it leaves you uneasy or anxious, even if sometimes it can be superficially appealing. Amazingly, this method is reliable and consistent; it just requires some reflection and taking time to listen to what’s happening in your heart. (In the Jesuit world, it is known as the Ignatian ‘pause’, taking time out to reflect and discern. Again, I remember a key moment on our penniless Camino where I almost gave up.)
4. Talk it out — It’s Easier to Discern with Others: Talking to trusted friends or guides can really help with this process; others can see things we can’t. It takes some courage to share our deepest desires with someone else, and it needs to be with someone trustworthy. They have to be able to really listen and ask the right questions, without trying to influence us one way or the other. That’s why Ignatius always emphasised spiritual directors, trusted friends, and experienced guides. Someone who knows you well can really help you understand your strengths and blind spots, particularly by helping you become aware of your unique gifts. Discernment is never a solo performance. (I remember a Jesuit spiritual director in Australia, who helped me reflect on my life and discern my true vocation to the Jesuits.)
5. Take a Step — And Let Reality Teach You: One of the great secrets of discernment is this: clarity comes from experience and reflection. Despite what the world says, you don’t discover your path by
   thinking (overthinking is the great trap) but by doing things, testing out possibilities, and then noticing what happens inside of you. This can seem tedious and unglamorous, starting small and humble, but this is how we learn and accumulate wisdom; nothing is wasted in God’s eyes. This could mean volunteering with a non-profit, trying an evening course or summer job, or collaborating on a project that excites you. Ignatius would say: God speaks through reality. As Pope Francis used to say, “Realities are more important than ideas.” Hence, if something brings life, try it out and then reflect. You can always adjust and adapt. There is no failure, only experiences we don’t learn from; that’s discernment in a nutshell. (I remember thinking it was a disaster when my father died and I had to leave university to run the family farm, but it ended up being an important learning experience that taught me what I didn’t want and ultimately clarified my vocation.)
6. Freedom- The Space God Works In: Being human means that we are often subject to a lot of pressure from others, ourselves, and the world. We can experience that pressure in relation to our
   career decisions: our family has high expectations, we have to compete with other ‘successful’ siblings, social media plants these images of what success and wealth look like, and we can continually compare ourselves to others (advertising) and have a fear of disappointing others. We don’t need this pressure, obviously, because it doesn’t help us make good decisions. Instead, St Ignatius invites us to find ways to reduce that pressure and find a freedom where we can be
   ourselves and at peace. Real freedom in relation to choosing comes when you’re able to say, “God, let me be free of all these chains, show me what you desire for my life, and I’ll follow that.” This means having creativity and imagination to let go and dream, shake off the straitjacket of expectations and reimagine one’s life. (One of my big ‘wake-up’ moments was realising that I was unhappy working in IT, it was what others wanted for me, and I needed to walk my own path that
   eventually brought me to the Jesuits.) The key thing is that you don’t need total clarity all at once. You just need enough freedom to take the next small, honest step. It’s a journey or pilgrimage of trust, just like you walk a 500-mile Camino one step at a time.
7. Know your weak point- Act against Negativity: One of the main things that stops us from being free is our ‘weak spot’, our habitual tendencies to often assume the worst, think badly of ourselves, be fearful, make reactive decisions and get lost. The thing is, everyone has a weakness, and it can be helpful to simply acknowledge it and then work with it. Common weaknesses include anxiety or fear, constant self-doubt, and a tendency to fit in with others’ expectations. There is also the opposite extreme of taking big risks, making rash decisions, and doing what will aggravate others. St. Ignatius has this great rule of thumb: do the opposite of what binds us. So that if you tend to be fearful, then try to be courageous, if your tendency is to be negative, then imagine what a positive choice would be, if you make hasty decisions, then take your time, etc.
8. Vocation Unfolds Over Time: Think of vocation as a journey rather than a fixed plan. You can’t see the whole map or the future. But like the Camino, the way becomes clearer when you’re on the trail. The important thing is to stay attentive, reflective, and open to the God who walks with you; it’s a great adventure. (I’ve been lucky enough to travel the world, have three different ‘careers’, be a published author, meet some lovely people and feel that I’m making a difference.) The good news is that you are uniquely gifted, the world needs you to be true to yourself, and God loves you and wants the best for you and never gives up on you. Remember that you don’t have to be perfect; you just have to trust the One who made you will continue to guide you.