Humbly taking the next step

Brendan McManus SJ :: Recovering from a minor medial procedure recently, I was unable to do my normal exercise routine and casting around for something, came upon the idea of swimming. There was a small heated pool in the local rehab clinic and I was able to book a swim online. Initially I was so stiff and sore that it was all I could do to get into the pool, but once in the water and buoyed by weightlessness, it was delightful. I had to learn to go slowly however and had to begin with some gentle movements before progressing to some lengths. Over several weeks I was able to increase that and it became a key part of my recovery programme, just getting some gentle exercise that did not impact on the area of surgery. 

Believe me, my body would let me know through pain if I was to over extend it or push too hard, which I have a tendency of doing! In that sense, pain was the teacher and educator, demanding obedience. There was a certain patience and humility to be learned, to respect the body and its own rhythm of healing and to cooperate with that. This meant accepting that it took time, that I had to be off work, that I had to prioritise rest and recovery, and shelve my own goals and work priorities. I had a strong sense that God was teaching me, “as a school teacher with a child”, as St Ignatius says. 

I was reflecting on why it was so hard for me to accept this, it was genuinely puzzling at my age. Some of it was the addiction to work, exercise and a familiar routine; the almost mindless simplicity of being busy and not having to think, just going through the motions on autopilot and taking everything for granted, health, wellness, mobility, and being ‘in control’. This was an invitation to be mindful and humble, to appreciate small things, to realise what a gift health is, and take nothing for granted. 

One thing really impressed me in the pool was all those other swimmers, many of whom had obvious physical disabilities. I felt a huge solidarity with them, like me, they were freed by the water and exploring their range of movement, doing the best that they could. Instead of doing lengths or swim styles, they were doing their own thing, individually tailored exercises that they needed. Some were walking, others clinging to the sides, some being helped, some helping others, a wonderful community of flawed and varied humanity. I understood the value of small incremental steps, apparently small, but hugely significant in the overall picture (the way God sees things). Life is a pilgrimage or Camino: keep taking the next small step in trust. 

The hardest thing in recovery and it life is taking the next small step, starting off again, going to get help, healing wounds, and admitting weakness. It takes courage to follow a humble process of slow recovery, admitting that we are human and have to walk with God, learning patience and smallness. Social media images of ‘disappear for a month and come back unrecognisable’ are unhelpful, unrealistic goals. Accepting that we are not in control and that the greatest wisdom is the small step in the right direction, is a much more human and achievable goal. There is a lot of letting go: of wanting to be perfect, to recover fast, to be back to my ‘old life’, not to have to feel the frustrations and ‘growing pains’. Somehow God is in all of this, “the slow, patient work of God (Teilhard de Chardin). It speaks of a God of compassion, gently reminding ourselves of our humanity, our fundamental bodily connection to others, and inviting empathy and understanding. 

“Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.”

—Patient Trust, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ

Some suggested prayer steps:

Ask for the grace you need, e.g. for patience and humility

Clearly identify the impatience, pushing too hard and frustration as understandable but not helpful or from God

Ask to be released from that, pray into it, acknowledging that you need help and strength from God

Ask yourself what steps you could take, what small action you could do that would be helpful, and that God is inviting you to. 

Just do it! 

Reflect on how it felt to take that small step; work out what your next one would be.